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According to Us

One Husband, One Wife, Five Children and Everything in Between

The following is an article from Family Circle November 2002. It was written by Barbara A. Tyler. I have picked up a stomach bug from my oldest daughter that has been a doozy, so I thought it was appropriate. Other than the occasional Migraine I haven’t been sick for about 5 years. I guess it was about time.
Dear kids,

Yes, it’s true. I have a cold. I believe it’s the same cold you had last week. Remember it? I seem to recall that one of you said it felt like an army of needle people stomping around in your head. Well, they’re in my head now. They’ve brought reinforcements and boy, are they angry. WHat did you do to them?

Until I am feeling better we are all going to have to work together. No, I am not delirious. If it helps you can pretend that you are stranded on a desert island and must cooperate in order to survive. No, you may not vote your brother off.

Please work on your communication skills. Communication is key to getting along in this family. If you don’t like it when your brother sits on your head you should tell him, not me. You should not, however, address him as “Idiot”, “Moron”, or “Butt-Munch”. He is, after all, sitting on your head.

While we are on the subject of communication, see this bottle? It contains medication. That’s a fancy way of saying “medicine”. Got it? I’m taking med-i-cine. Grandma gets upset when you tell her I’m on drugs.

Hmm? Where is dinner? That’s a good question. Does it look like I have food under my blanket? Cook? Please read the label on my medicine bottle. See that sticker? It says, DO NOT OPERATE HEAVY MACHINERY WHILE TAKING THIS MEDICINE. The stove is heavy. Do not believe me, go in the kitchen and try lifting it. On second thought, don’t.

I will give you money to order pizza if you will call in the order. Call one of the places close to home. Use the number in the phone book, not one from your memory. Dialing Tokyo will not get your dinner here any faster. It will, however, make your father use bad words when the phone bill comes.

I’m sorry that you’re bored. I realize that standing beside me chanting “bored, bored, bored” could be considered by some people as entertaining. I’m not one of them. Find a better way to amuse yourself. Use your imagination.

Whoa, STOP! That thing I said about using your imagination? I didn’t mean it. The medication has obviously made me loopy. I now realize that my inviting you to use your imaginations, I accidentally declared open season on your little brother, the plumbing, and most of your permanent teeth. This was not what I had in mind.

To help you pass the time, try taking this little quiz. When I close my eyes it means:

a. I’m trying to sleep.

b. I’m trying to sleep.

c. I’m trying to sleep.

Before you take a guess, consider the answer carefully and then read the second sticker on my medicine bottle. It says. THIS MEDICATION MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. It does not say, THIS MEDICATION MAY CAUSE THE DESIRE TO JUMP OUT OF BED AND REFEREE A SCREAMING MATCH BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR LITTLE BROTHER.. That particular sticker seems to be missing from the bottle.

Regardless of what you may be thinking, I am not taking a vacation. Oh, yes! Whee! I’m having fun now! Sorry to disappoint you but crawling in bed with a box of tissues and a roll of cough drops is not exactly a day was Disney World. Disney World would be cleaner, quieter, and less crowded.

Are you aware that the DO NOT DISTURB sign on the door is for your protection? See this sticker on the medication bottle? It says KEEP OUT OF REACH  OF CHILDREN. I’m doing my best. If you will get back  on your side of the door we will be fine.




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